is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
