after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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