i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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