are you still at the devil's house?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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