my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
