I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
