If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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