Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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