she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
