You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
