Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
