He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
