fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
