what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
