There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
