just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
