i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
