don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
