so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
