when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
