between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
