I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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