"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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