I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
