new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
