Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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