the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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