He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
