I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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