u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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