I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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