My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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