yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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