A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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