Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
