You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
