margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
