i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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