omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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