Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
