My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
