3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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