Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
