Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
