I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
