Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
