I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
