Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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