Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
