Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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