I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
