ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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