The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
