$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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