I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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