I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
