I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
