what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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