Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
