Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
