??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
