i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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