we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I smell stomach acid.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
